in new york it's deep, far beneath
the black of your eyes
and your face looks brighter now
when you light a cigarette
and i take away and give back that day
when i found the words to tell you
all i wanted you to know
and you're the same, i change
when you fall and withdraw
and go elsewhere, anywhere
somewhere it's not so cold
as us tonight
and the distance is less, much less
when your hands reach mine
and everything gets warmer and warmer
one day i'll find the right words--
they'll be simple and separate
and you'll know what i meant
when i said i love you
and it's empty again
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Hi Stephanie. I think the line "and everything gets warmer and warmer" is weak, the word "warmer" is vague, slowheat over a slowcooking stove, and should be replaced by stronger word. Maybe "warmer and redder" or "and everything alights" or "and everything grows in fire" or something that is a little less lukewarm in tone.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I'd shorten "and it's empty again" to "when i said i love/empty again"