closer to the west coast
to fast cars and yellow starsand mason jars
where we put away our hearts
still beating faster and faster
then slower and slower
now colder and colder
where the red tide goes
to blue waves and bleach caves
and years away
to what i wanted you to say
but you're higher and higher
then farther and farther
now deader and deader
I think the end of the first stanza is weak compared to the beginning, in which you toss around common details--"fast cars and yellow stars/and mason jars"--then when you toss around common verbs as comparatives, repeating them--"then slower and slower/now colder and colder". The second stanza suffers the same flaw--there's little emotion in cliches of "then farther and father/now deader and deader".
ReplyDeleteMaybe shorten it to:
closer to the west coast
to fast cars yellow stars
and mason jars
where we put our hearts away
still beating
where the red tide goes
to blue waves beach caves
and years away
to what i wanted you to say